Monday, May 9, 2011

Special Days

Greg and Russ (about 1979)

Yesterday was a special day--Mother's Day. It is the one day set aside every year to honor and remember our mothers. Everyone has a mother, but not everyone can be or is a mother. 

Giving birth does not grant a woman the right to be called 'Mother,' either. It is a biological process that is necessary to propagate the species. We all get here because of our parents. Birth is merely a vehicle.

That said, there is more to being a mother than just giving birth. The urge to nest is very strong in most women. Women are nurturers and homemakers. Their biological role is to ensure that children brought into the world will survive, and survival requires certain things. In ancient times, women sought stability--a supply of food and protection against the elements and invading enemies. Women cannot hunt and rear children at the same time (we're talking ancient times here), so they relied on the men to do the dangerous job of hunting while they sowed the corn and tended the fires and raised the children.

Until the mid-Sixties, women basically kept and managed the home, cooked, cleaned, and raised the children. But their day did not stop just because the clock struck 5 p.m. Never mind the fact that they had already put in a full day, they still had lots of work to do before being able to 'call it a day' and run off to their Calgon baths. Motherhood was a sun-up to sun-down job. Few husbands actually helped out around the house, either, because that was 'women's work.' Their jobs usually ended at 5 o'clock.

So women began to prepare themselves for jobs and careers. The timing was good, too, because in the early Seventies, we had rampant inflation, long lines at the gas stations, and high unemployment. Whether we women wanted to or not, many of us went to work--not just to have our own careers, but many of us had  to help out financially at home. Of course, this caused some major shifts in the family unit. Men felt emasculated because they were no longer the 'breadwinners,' and 'latchkey' children often came home from school to an empty house and no cookies and milk on the table. Carefully planned and prepared dinners morphed into take-out from McDonald's or came out of a box, like  Hamburger Helper. Believe me, I know. I was there.

As a young woman, I was very idealistic. I wanted the 'traditional' values of home and family, while at the same time I also wanted a career as a journalist or history teacher. The Women's Movement was touting we 'could have it and do it all' and I believed it. I wanted to go to school, but I got married thinking I would always have time to pursue a career. So I put college on hold in favor of starting a family. It was very soon after that when the proverbial sh*t hit the fan and the decision to go to work was made for me. I had to leave my child at home in the care of others. (There are some BAD memories here).

It tore me apart.

I was fortunate in one area, though. I was fairly well educated and a fast typist. I rose up the ranks of my clerical job. I had to. By that time, my husband was unemployed but attending junior college. Someone had to 'bring home the bacon,' so I thought, "Okay, as long as he is pursuing an education, then better times are ahead."

Wrong. My husband dropped out of school.

Through my uncle, who was an ironworker, my husband got a union job in San Leandro. We moved to the Bay Area and things were good for a while and hope for the future was restored. I had my second child. Soon after that (1972), the bottom fell out and my husband was laid off. We moved back to Sacramento. He was unemployed for a total of five years. I was still expected to bring in a paycheck to support the family, so I went back to work while also attending college (I inherited the G.I. Education Bill due to my father's death in Korea, which brought in a few more bucks).

Motherhood is not always what it's cracked up to be, whether it's by choice or not. Betty White recently said in her memoir "If You Ask Me" that she knew she couldn't be a mother and have a career too, so she opted out of motherhood in favor of her career. Bravo! Some of us didn't have that choice--we were forced to make decisions that forever changed us. For me, it was tough economic times and a lazy husband that launched me into the workforce. I guess I just made the wrong choice in husbands.

I never got to be a journalist or a history teacher. Although I went to college, I never finished. I had more important things to do, like work full time to keep a roof over our heads. There's a lot more to this story, but suffice it to say that my husband put us all in jeopardy by raising cannabis in the front yard of our home. We lived in a rural area with lots of vegetation and even I overlooked it. But this was only ONE of the bones of contention that tore our family apart. Although I could have picked a better spouse (I'm not very good in that department!), I couldn't have had two more beautiful sons--and they are worth every sacrifice I made to have them.

With that in mind, Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I miss you terribly. You always calmed my troubled waters, were always there to encourage and inspire me, and always gave great advice. I miss your stories, your smile, and your laugh, and I think about you every day.

There's still a lot of life in this ol' girl. I'm 62 today and thinking about the rest of my life. I still have a few options. School might be one of them. We'll see.